Satisfaction Guaranteed

If true love doesn't happen in six months, match.com will let you keep the service for another six months free of charge. The first time I saw the "Make love happen" guarantee, I almost fell over laughing. How do you define a successful love-falling in six months? Also, six months of true love is easier to accomplish than six years or six decades. This is a guarantee that the match.com people know they'll never have to back up. What schlub wants to admit he's failed at love even after paying for it? and who will admit total defeat after such a short amount of time? To really fail at love, you need years. But go ahead, make love happen. Guaranteed.

I'm still here

Well, trying to avoid writing about my messy life and focusing instead on "abstract" topics that were only tangentially related to my messy life led to me not writing at all. That didn't work. Perhaps I'll try the high concept stuff at another point. This poor blog is rather schizophrenic, but I'm not ready to kill it just yet.

Another reason not to write in this blog is that I've made a major commitment to National Novel Writing Month. Actually, I'm way behind in my word count for that, too, thanks for asking, but I'm still really glad I'm doing it because it's incredibly fun and freeing and I am convinced that it will somehow magically enable me to write fabulous law school personal statements.

So, perhaps what I'll do for the next little while in this space is update you on the progress of my novel. Of course, it's a silly romance, but I'm loathe to give away too many plot details for fear that people will think it's autobiographical, which it is NOT. Taking the advice of a legendary professor quoted by a friend, I am writing what I don't know about what I know, which simply means that if you were to read the novel in a certain light, it would probably look familiar, but it would not be as close to the truth as I'm sure you'd imagine it is, you little imaginer, you.

So in short, Mary is not down for the count quite yet. Mary Like the Saint perseveres through hardship and a lack of posts, and will prevail!

Meditations: safety

I used to brush my teeth immediately after disembarking from an airplane. Steering myself towards the bathroom, I'd whip out my toothbrush and remove the grime from my mouth. A clean mouth feels refreshing after the dull ick of travelling too close to other people on a stuffy airplane.

Now I don't even get to carry toothpaste in my bag. In return for foiling a major terrorism plot, we lose the ability to carry the items we need to clean ourselves. Or moisturize ourselves. Or quench our thirst.

Travelling by air has long become a demoralizing, joyless experience. Sitting for hours on a dingy airplane dizzyingly close to inevitably annoying people with disgusting habits like picking at their nails or sucking on their thumbs or smelling bad or snoring or taking the armrest when everyone knows that the poor schlub in the middle seat gets BOTH armrests!

Landing and brushing my teeth was my personal way of putting aside the experience of flying. a small private ritual. Which has been replaced by the empty security line rituals that only strip away our meager travelling dignities. We are left with bare feet and empty laptop cases, scrambling to gather our things (but not toothpaste!).

Really, neither ritual leaves me any safer. Scrubbed teeth don't keep annoying people away, and I don't think removing my shoes will actually prevent a determined someone from blowing up a plane some day. And yet I keep flying.

Know Your Saint Marys: St. Mary the Slave

An early Christian during the Roman era, St. Mary the Slave was tortured for being a Christian. According to catholic.org, she suffered "unspeakable horrors." Although she survived her torture, she is still celebrated as a martyr for her intense suffering. Imagine the perseverence Mary must have had to withstand and even survive torture. Her life was not even her own, and yet she kept living for Christ. An inspiring example.

Meditations: Calamity

It seems to fall from the sky, and you expect it to end as suddenly as it seems to have begun. Oh, but calamity continues, and continues, and continues, until it is a river running through your life through which you must wade. Somehow, I used to imagine tragedy as a flashbulb, a big, bright, sharp moment, but only a moment. And a moment you can live through.

But a river? It is so long, and always rushing, rushing me while at the same time moving interminably slowly. I don't know how to face it down. And perhaps that is the point. To allow calamity to wear us down to something smoother, simpler, with fewer implacable demands. To imagine being smooth sits well with me. After all, our calamities, large and small, continue on in our lives with their rivulets unending. I certainly hope that there is something valuable and meaningful in that.

Petitions to Mary

Praise be! A poor soul has finally made another petition! Caution, friends. This particular petitioner is long-winded. However, I've decided to copy the entreaty in its entirety. Here is another long-awaited petition:

Dear Mary:
I hope you can help me. There's this boy I've been forced into socializing with – he's rude, presumptuous, and incredibly full of himself. The first time we met, at a local ball, he REFUSED to dance with me. Not that I would want to dance with HIM, anyway. Since then, however, his behavior has become all the more bizarre. At subsequent social events, he would stare at me all dewy-eyed and pointedly ask me to dance in his weird, anti-social way. It was so uncomfortable it was all I could do to keep my friggin' composure.

In addition to his general lack of social graces, I have come to discover that he has single-handedly ruined the life of several of my closest friends. Like, for instance, he talked my angelic older sister's boyfriend into breaking up with her! Like she's not good enough for him! And he's like the richest guy in the shire or whatever. And, he cheated this charming soldier with these bitchin' sideburns out of this job he really wanted. He's just making friends and influencing people wherever he goes.

I went to visit an old friend of mine who's recently gotten married (to my oafish cousin who tried to marry me -- GROSS, I so don't envy her AT ALL), and guess who should be visiting the area at the same time? Mr. Snubby McPrideful himself. Really put a cramp on my vacay, if you know what I'm saying. I spent most of my time talking to his babe of a cousin (if he had been my cousin, I might have accepted that proposal – incest is okay when you're pretty), but Senor Stick-Up-His-Ass always managed to weasel his way into our conversations.

Then, one morning, as I was resting alone at my friend's house, he comes to visit. He acts all weird and awkward and then starts babbling about how much he "ardently loves and admires me"! As if, dude. He proceeds to insult my entire family, berate himself for being unable to resist my charms, and finally PROPOSE. I DON"T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY. It was all I could do to not run screaming from the room. So I told him where he could stick his "prospects," and hoped that was the end of it.

But, Mary, it was so not the end of it. I feel I may have been horribly wrong about Senor Stick-Up-His-Ass. For one thing, he has one bitchin\' house. Chez Stick-Up-His-Ass has it all: hot tub, tennis courts, swimming pool, a nifty little golfish pond, a movie theater in the basement. I toured it when I was in LA, and wow, was it something. Also, I did a little digging into that whole sideburns guy and he may not exactly be trustworthy. And, taking a closer look, Senor SUHA is a pretty tasty studmuffin. He fences! That is, like, so classy.

Okay, so is it wrong of me to drastically change my opinion of a guy because of some choice real estate he happens to possess? I mean, is a goldfish pond worth my womanly virtue? More than that, how do I let Senor-Stick-Up-His-Ass know that I would like to become Senora Stick-Up-His-Ass and have lots of little Twigs-Up-Their-Asses? It's not an easy subject to broach, ya know…("Hey, remember that time I totally shut you down and kicked you out of someone else's house? Kidding! Let\'s go to Vegas!) He's also still kind of awkward, so that doesn't help…Please help me, Mary. You must have gone through something like this with that carpenter. Signed,
Prejudiced But Not Proud Of It

Dear Prejudiced,

In this life, we enjoy only a limited perspective. Our singular point of view offers only a limited vision of the big picture. It is sometimes difficult to ascertain an accurate idea of what we would describe as the total reality of a given situation.

You may have been a victim of your own perspective in your initial assessment of Mr. SUHA. In your early encounters, you could only observe the end product of an unknown series of events. As time has worn on, perhaps small elements of the bigger picture have come into focus for you, and this is a blessing to be thankful for. The wonderful gift of time is that it gives us an opportunity to learn more and the time we have also gives us a chance to change our minds. There is nothing wrong in reassessing your opinion of a gentleman based on additional information.

Perhaps one of the benefits of this time is the grace of knowing that Mr. SUHA, and every imperfect person we encounter, is also acting from a limited view of the totality of events, and grant some compassion and slack since we can appreciate how difficult it is to assess another person without the benefit of knowing all the details of a given situation.

However, I'm afraid that I cannot condone simply reappraising Mr. SUHA based on his material possessions. One great thing about our modern age is that you can earn material wealth in your own right, and so there is no reason to use a man for wealth.

I wish you a lifetime of learning more about Mr. SUHA. Blessings.

Know your Saint Marys: The Mother of God

And now, another new feature of Mary Like the Saint. Certainly, the title of my blog begs the question, "But which Saint Mary is she like?" Well, fortunately there are a plethora of St. Marys from which I can choose, so I can be like a different Saint Mary depending on my mood. Each Mary has something to offer.

I think it's appropriate to start with probably the greatest of Saint Marys: the Mother of God, aka Our Blessed Lady, the Virgin Mary, the Virgin Mother, Mediatrix of all Graces, and other acclamations. Catholic Online claims her the greatest of all Christian saints. In 1950, Pope Pius XII declared as a dogma of the church St. Mary's assumption, meaning that she was bodily taken into heaven upon her death, placing her on a close to equal footing to Christ himself, and providing Christian women of many persuasions their model of ideal femininity.

Meditation:Serendipity

Sadly, people continue to refrain from submitting any petitions, and so I've been forced to come up with different writing prompts for myself. I bring you a new feature: Meditations. Today's meditation is on serendipity.

Dictionary.com defines serendipty as "the faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident." The word is a gift from the fecund mind of 18th-century letter writer Horace Walpole. The word derives from Serendip, an old name for Sri Lanka, and a story called "The Three Princes of Serendip." Walpole explains that in this story "as their highnesses traveled, they were always making discoveries, by accidents and sagacity, of things which they were not in quest of..."

One can't help but make discoveries while travelling. The view when you travel is fresh because you are separated from your routine; you can observe your surroundings more carefully because you're not part of them in the way you are with more familiar scenery. Fresh observation creates the possibility for interesting discoveries.

I had a moment of serendipity recently when I ran into an old friend at the airport, on my way back home from visiting family. I haven't been in touch with this person in years, and it was very pleasant to catch up with her. Interestingly, my fresh new discovery was of my past! Serendipity is one of the simple blessings that keeps life worth living.

The Meaning of Mary

Perhaps in the future I'll entertain more petitions. I certainly hope to. However, I haven't received any since Tainted. Until more questions arise, I'll have to fill this space with other diversions.

I've decided a good start is to explore the universal Mary. Let's begin with an exploration of the name Mary.

According to www.behindthename.com, "Mary" can trace her roots through Latin and Greek to the Hebrew name Miryam. Mary's exact meaning is uncertain, but guesses range from "sea of bitterness" to "beloved."

That doesn't surprise me in the least. In English, Mary is one of the most indispensable female names; 100 years ago, it was the most popular girl's name, and basically held that title for more than half a century. It still ranks in the top 100 (according to the Social Security Association: http://ssa.gov/cgi-bin/babyname.cgi).

Of course such an enduring women's name captures something elemental about the women it identifies. We can swim in a sea of bitterness and still be called beloved. These meanings are not mutually exclusive. We are experts at contradiction, and our name can't be pinned down any more than we can. It keeps things interesting, certainly. And you thought Mary was so basic!

How to Petition Mary

Now that I've opened myself up to questions, you can submit a petition by emailing marylikethesaint@gmail.com. Ask often. And remember, all petitions are answered, just not always the way we want them to be. Blessings.

Petitions to Mary

Before I accept the first petition, I must make a confession. I really started this blog hoping it would become an advice column. Answering others' questions prompts me to write, and helps keep me from making this blog uncomfortably personal. Thank you, readers, for saving me from inappropriate sharing! And now, without further ado, lets get to a Petition to Mary.

Dear Mary Like The Saint,
I am going to be married in 10 months (and 9 days) and have a dilemma that I think you can help me with. My fiance and I have been together for four years, so we've seen the best and the worst of each other. I've heard of women "pretending" to be a virgin before their marriageto make their first night together special, but this seems silly. How do I make that "spark" happen on the honeymoon? Please lend your"like a virgin" wisdom to me!
Sincerely,
Tainted in Tucson

Dear Petitioner,
Let me begin by insisting that I've made no pretense of chastity; that is the inestimable Madonna. One need not be virginal to be like a saint.

And that begins to answer your inquiry. I think the poor souls who feel it necessary to take a sex hiatus shortly before a wedding so they can fake some kind of purity they no longer possess are doing themselves and their partners a great disservice. They are buying into an antiquated notion that the only gift a woman brings to a marriage is her maidenhead. You have a lot more to offer your future husband than access to sex. He can probably easily get that elsewhere, anyway. Not to worry you.

However, a period of sexual separation before your wedding can serve a valuable purpose. Time apart gives you a chance for reflection, and a space to be with just yourself. This effort on yourself will allow you to have more to give to your partner when you do come together. You'll have something to discover about each other, which is what happened to you while you were apart. In addition to this, reuniting sexually is a way to consciously recommit to one another, which you will be doing for the rest of your life together.

Have a great honeymoon, whether you decide to have a celibate period beforehand or not!

Blessings,
Mary

And We Went Dancing

Sweetheart and I had dancing lessons this evening. We're just doing it on a lark as a fun couple thing, and I'm enjoying it. We're surprisingly not terrible at it thus far. Of course, the dance people are now laying on the hard sell, trying to get us to commit for a year.

I find the selling process so frustrating. I'm interested in the lessons, otherwise I wouldn't show up. But at the dance studio, they won't come straight out and tell you how much a lesson costs. They have to set up your entire "dancing plan," and you pay a monthly amount with which you're "comfortable." What the heck does that mean? Meanwhile, they're asking personal questions trying to establish rapport, which doesn't work, and trying to talk up how important it is to know how to dance as a life skill, which also falls flat for me. I want to dance; let's just have a straightforward transaction, like buying a gallon of milk. I really think they'd get farther that way.

At any rate, I like the dancing, particularly the tango. Sweetheart is an aggressive lead, especially for that, which is appropriate. I need the aggressive lead to keep me in check. In some ways dancing is a zen exercise for a woman; I have to let go of thinking of where I want to go and what moves I want to do and just follow my partner. It's a good practice for me. Now, why don't the dance people try to sell the lessons as spiritual practice? That's a great angle!

Lesson the First

Apparently, all the cool kids are doing it. Far-flung friends have started blogs to keep everyone up on their comings and goings. I want in, too! I want my own internet address! And now I have one. Woo.

I attempted a blog about a year ago (now erased), but didn't keep it up very well. Because hope springs eternal, I'm trying again. Hopefully this blog will give me something productive to do to keep me off the streets. Wish me luck. And hi!